Ok, so I feel like an absolute failure at the moment so I figured I would rant so I don't get upset at work. I have been working for the past 10 weeks and at the end we get our final review. Basically I got a bad review. In the beginning of the summer I had issues with one of the guys in my group being a sexist jerk. I was stupid and mentioned something to my boss because it was really starting to get to me. Well, that became this huge issue that ended up with this big HR mess. So then for most of the summer we had horrible team dynamic and I had a lot of issues. I had trouble standing up for myself and was stupid and told my boss these things. I told my boss that I feel that everything that I do is bad unless someone tells me it is ok. That was a stupid decision. Basically I told the people around some of the things that go through my head. It was actually extremely minimal stuff compared to all of the stuff I deal with but basically the things that pertain to work. I was really dumb and tried to let other people help me deal with things. I don't know why I was stupid enough to do that because I have already established countless times that my life and everyone else's around me are a lot better if no one knows what is going on in my life. I was stupid and weak and let other people get involved in my life. I was weak and wanted other people to help me. I was trying to make my life better and now I am just a complete failure. I really don't deserve to exist. I hate this. I don't want to go home and I don't want to go to school. This was the best place that I have lived so far and now I have completely screwed up my chance of ever coming back simply because I wanted to make my life easier. Life isn't easy. I know this. I shouldn't bother other people simply so I can feel better about myself. I could have changed my personality to better fit what I knew they wanted out of me, but instead I let them see all of the horrible things that I feel. I am so stupid. I so badly want to do something horrible right now. I have no idea what to do. I haven't packed or anything because I don't want to go home. I have screwed up everything. I can't deal with it anymore. I was stupid enough to deceave myself to think that things could be different. I shouldn't let people know that I struggle. I hate so much that I exist right now. I have no idea what I am going to do. I guess I am still at work at the moment so I need to just block it all out and figure it out later.

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